How To Love Yourself When You’re Hurting
The Hurt: Several years ago, a blindsiding betrayal left me feeling utterly devastated. I felt alone, empty and more depressed than I ever had in my life. I felt utterly worthless, and on top of that, I felt ashamed for feeling worthless. I felt empty like nothing could ever fill the void within. I felt like nothing mattered. I was so sick and tired of feeling so sick and tired that I begged and prayed for the pain to just go away. I wanted to push it deep down within me. I wanted to numb it out. I wanted to just pretend like everything was ok. I filled my downtime with things that I thought would make me happy. I filled my downtime with things that I thought would make me happy, distracting from the pain and sorrow that I felt daily; ultimately ignoring my real needs along the way. For some time, I was lost, bitter and worse than all, angry. I couldn’t seem to figure out how to fill myself up with light and positivity. I was stuck in the dark abyss of devastation, betrayal and loss. The self-love and care that I had been practicing for years was a distant memory . . . One Day At A Time: Through my personal journey and recovery from addiction I gained many valuable lessons, but none more important than ONE DAY AT A TIME. In the depths of my self-destruction and hate, this lesson came to me again. I went back to what previously saved me, both personally and professionally, and began living my life with the simple motto and premise of ONE DAY AT A TIME. Meetings make it. I started attending more meetings, spent more time on the phone with my sponsor and began to pray. God has always been a part of my life but living each day the way I should meant God became a critical part of each day through prayer and meditation. Little by little, one slow day at a time, I began to open up to the knowledge that no one else was going to get me out of my pain. I had to start showing up for myself. The Change: I began my positive journey forward by first taking care of my body. I started to eat more, to sleep when I felt tired, to get out into the fresh air. Then almost in response, I started to take care of my mind. The negative self-talk; “you’re not worth it” was met with a challenge; “you are!”. I saw that my negative self-perception was stemming from false beliefs, false beliefs that formed out of my pain and sorrow. The truth then began to unfold. We have the ability to define our own happiness. We deserve a partner who won\’t bail without warning when the times get tough. We deserve to be loved truly. We deserve to be respected and valued. We deserve transparency and honesty. I began to fill myself back up, my self-love was no longer a distant memory. Whenever the waves of pain came on I cried and held myself, without shame or guilt. I was longing for love but rather than searching for it in things or people, I began to give it to myself. Nothing Worth Having Comes Easy Loving yourself isn’t always rainbows and butterflies. Some days I sunk back into a depressed state where I forgot who I really was and what I was really capable of. And then I woke up and remembered that I must be there for myself, as well as those closest and dearest to me. I found that ultimately I felt abandoned, so I swore to never abandon myself. You don’t choose yourself once and then it’s over. You must continue to show up for yourself in every moment, the difficult ones and the easy ones, one day at a time. Self-love means taking care of you. It is honoring and respecting you. It is having the courage to face your emotions, dig deeply but doing so with gentle care. Learning to love yourself doesn’t mean you never feel bad again. It doesn’t mean that you won’t feel pain anymore. This is constant and continuous work that has the ability to heal. It’s the bravest, most important work one can do for them self.
Core Beliefs: How They Influence You and What to Do About It
Core beliefs influence everything you do. Shaped by your childhood experiences, they’re deeply ingrained beliefs about yourself, others, and the world around you. Sometimes core beliefs can lead to cognitive distortions, meaning you get an inaccurate view of reality. Do Your Positive or Negative Core Beliefs Affect How You See Yourself? As you go through life experiencing the world, you unconsciously interpret, judge, feel, and figure out what things mean. It’s how you learn to survive. If, as a child, you had a family that encouraged curiosity and safe risk-taking and gave you support and validation, your inner monologue is likely supportive. If you have a positive core belief system, you only recall life data that supports existing, fact-based experiences with positive views of yourself and the world. If you grew up in a family that gave you little support, your inner monologue will be negative, reflecting your rules about yourself and the world. Some of the rules people create through core belief systems become a major source of anxiety and depression. Negative core beliefs about yourself typically fall into one of three categories: Some examples of negative core beliefs include: Have you ever heard yourself say something like the statements above, or thought them in your head? You may have negative core beliefs, at least when it comes to yourself. It is common to only pay attention to evidence that supports your core beliefs and toss aside evidence that doesn’t. This concept is called “confirmation bias.” And it’s why changing your core beliefs can be a difficult task. These distorted ways of thinking are your default setting. You must retrain yourself to think differently, which takes time and a lot of work. Core Beliefs Play a Role in Addiction Dysfunctional core beliefs about yourself can fuel unhealthy relationships and behaviors, such as drug and alcohol abuse. An example of a common core belief that addicted people have is, “I am bad.” This is a heavy burden to carry. When you attribute every difficulty that happens to you as something you brought on yourself, it can lead to depression, feelings of helplessness, low self-esteem, and self-hate. People sometimes turn to substance abuse, eating disorders, and other unhealthy coping practices to quiet negative self-talk and numb their feelings. Addiction can further fuel the negative core beliefs that “I am bad” or, “I am unworthy.” Society at large doesn’t accept that addiction is a disease, and there’s still great stigma around it. Having that message mirrored back to you and feeling like you can’t stop abusing drugs or alcohol on your own can just keep your negative core beliefs going. You Can Identify and Challenge Core Beliefs It’s not easy, but it’s very possible to change your core beliefs. Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) is a research-backed approach proven effective in treating substance use disorders, mental health disorders, and trauma. Medication and other therapies can complement the work done in CBT. Cognitive behavioral therapy helps you challenge core beliefs that are negative and replace them with positive core beliefs. If CBT is part of your therapy for substance abuse, you might: 1. Identify situations, relationships, or conditions that are causing distress. For example, maybe you’ve just gotten out of an unhealthy relationship and you’re abusing alcohol. 2. Identify thoughts, beliefs, emotions, and behaviors tied to the distress. Your therapist will encourage you to talk about the situation and pay attention to the negative self-talk, physical sensations, and beliefs about yourself and other people in the situation. For example, when you talk about your ex-partner, your jaw and stomach might tighten. You may feel helpless. Your thoughts may be that you are bad and unworthy of love, so you don’t deserve any better. You may think you’ll never have a (fulfilling) relationship again. This could be one reason you self-medicate with alcohol. 3. Challenge distorted beliefs. Your therapist will help you challenge the accuracy of your thoughts. You will explore the actual evidence behind your beliefs. For example, you’ll discuss what tells you that you’re bad or unworthy. You’ll talk about what evidence supports your decision that you’ll never have a respectful relationship, and you don’t deserve one. A handful of examples of cognitive distortions include: 4. Work on alternative ways of thinking. Your therapist will help you replace negative or inaccurate thoughts and beliefs with positive, fact-based ones. You will learn that your perception is often distorted because of your negative core beliefs. In addition to addressing this in therapy, you may be asked to: You’ll work hard to recognize when your thoughts turn to negative core beliefs; challenge them; and replace them with more accurate, empowering thoughts. Cognitive behavioral therapy often creates positive change faster than other approaches. Many clients see significant improvement in 12 to 20 weeks of 30- or 60-minute sessions. Recently, a new form of CBT has emerged: intensive cognitive behavioral therapy (I-CBT). This approach involves longer, concentrated sessions over a weekend, week, month, or even a day-long session. There’s little research on I-CBT’s effectiveness. Get Help to Understand and Combat Your Negative Core Beliefs Negative core beliefs are hard to change, but, with work and dedication, you can transform your thinking, beliefs, and behaviors to be more healthy, accurate, and empowering. Distorted core beliefs are one of the underlying issues behind drug and alcohol abuse. Footprints to Recovery offers cognitive behavioral therapy as well as an array of other therapies proven to help people struggling with addiction and co-occurring mental health issues. Call us today to begin a better, more fulfilling life. References
