Dating in Addiction Recovery: How to Be Successful
Dating can be fun, exciting, stressful, awkward, and complicated all at once. Sober dating adds another layer of uncertainty to the mix. In a culture where “grabbing a drink” is a first-date standard and alcohol is the norm at dinners, parties, and other common dating activities, dating can be a minefield for singles in recovery. Re-entering the dating world can feel daunting. Just like dating before recovery, you can count on ups and downs, but you’ll also likely find that sober dating can be much more fulfilling and authentic. When Is it Okay to Date in Recovery? If you’re new to recovery, you may want to hold off on diving back into the dating scene. “The Golden Rule” of dating in recovery is that it’s okay to start around one year in—with good reason. It takes time to fill the space left by drugs and alcohol when you quit. The first year of sobriety is best spent strengthening your recovery, gaining structure in your life, and filling all that new space with healthy activities and coping skills. You also want to take care not to replace one addiction with another. It’s easy to channel all your energy and resources into a new relationship during this vulnerable time, which can take away from important recovery work. It takes time to learn what healthy relationships and connections look and feel like. You may not have had a healthy relationship for a long time—or ever. Jumping into sober dating too fast puts you at risk for repeating poor relationship patterns and even relapse. If you’ve been sober awhile and have a strong foothold in recovery, talk it through with your therapist or sponsor before you take the plunge. What Does Healthy Dating in Recovery Look Like? At first, dating without alcohol and drugs may feel a little like a junior high dance, with or without the bad soundtrack. You’re not quite sure what to do, things feel awkward, and your self-consciousness is palpable. It gets better! Here are some tips for successful dating in recovery while nurturing your sobriety: Be Honest About Recovery While you don’t need to reveal every little detail about your life right away, recovery is not something to hide in romantic relationships. Your recovery is sacred. It’s at the core of everything you do now. If sobriety is a problem for the person you’re dating, the relationship isn’t going to work. Hold Onto Boundaries Maintain your boundaries with people you’re dating, just like you would with family and friends. Boundaries are different for everyone, but common ones include: Avoiding situations where drugs and alcohol are being abused, like hanging out at a bar or going to a rave Expecting respect for your beliefs and life choices, including abstaining from drugs and alcohol Not letting the relationship interfere with your support groups and other relapse-prevention practices Get Therapy and Support Dating while sober can feel like a big deal in the beginning, and it’s important to keep your new recovery safe. Don’t go it alone. Don’t skip counseling appointments or 12-step meetings. Lean on counselors and your peers in recovery to help you through this new experience. Practice Self-Care It’s tempting to get whisked away by the excitement of a new romance, but don’t let the healthy practices important to your recovery fall by the wayside. Keep up with your self-care, or start something new that will nurture you, like: Doing yoga Exercising Joining a support group Maintaining good nutrition Getting enough sleep At about a year in recovery, you know what keeps you in fighting shape every day, so keep that up! If you’re sacrificing self-care for a relationship, it could be a warning sign that you’re slipping into old patterns. Time to bring up your concerns with your therapist and re-focus on your sobriety. Make Sober Dating Fun Dating without alcohol or drugs is going to be different than what you’re used to, but it can still be fun. Look for ways to keep it interesting without substances, like: Introducing each other to hobbies Taking hikes Exploring new places Enjoying each other’s favorite childhood movies Dating sober allows you to experience time together with a clear mind and attention to the present moment. Connecting without alcohol and drugs to grease the wheels makes for powerful, authentic relationships. Avoid These in Sober Dating Sober dating takes some adjusting. Changes and transitions can be especially hard in recovery. That’s why it’s important to protect your sobriety and look out for these red flags. Triggers You know your triggers. Avoid them. This is especially important when you first start sober dating. It might mean staying away from bars, avoiding certain personality types, or keeping clear of particular situations. Triggers can be harder to deal with alongside the pressures of new romance. Set boundaries in the beginning and stick to them. That “Co” Word “Codependency.” You heard this word so many times during drug and alcohol addiction treatment. You’re well aware how codependency can be a threat to your sobriety. Watch out for some of the telltale signs of codependency, like: People-pleasing Lack of boundaries Losing your sense of self Caretaking Addicted People While you were using drugs or alcohol, you may have been attracted to—and dated—people in similar situations. Just because you’re sober now doesn’t mean you’ll only be drawn to sober people. Avoid dating someone who’s abusing drugs or alcohol; getting close to someone who\’s so close to your old lifestyle makes it very difficult not to turn to old patterns, quickly. Rushing Into Intimacy Take your time before you get physical with someone. Intimacy in early recovery can bring up a lot of emotions. Be open with your partner and kind with yourself. If the other person has a problem with taking things slow, it could be a sign they’re not right for you. How to Find a Sober Date It’s hard to know where to begin when you start sober dating. Asking someone if they drink or
SMART Recovery 101: The Alternative or Supplemental Resource to 12-Step Programming
SMART Recovery (smartrecovery.org) has been an asset in the addiction recovery community for many years. In recent years, it has gained popularity as a valid resource for those seeking an alternative or a supplement to the 12-step model. SMART’s model is inclusive, involving community and peer resources in the recovery process. What Is SMART Recovery? A sober support system is critical for long-term recovery. At Footprints we highly recommend patients seek outside community, and we understand that traditional AA, 12 steps is not a fit for everyone. Some say the opposite of addiction is connection, and our goal is for you to develop your own sober support community as you transition to lower levels of care in treatment. SMART is one of many supplemental programs you can use in your recovery journey. SMART Recovery began in 1994 as an alternative to the 12 Steps and other spiritually based programs. The 12 Steps are centered on the participant’s surrender to a higher power that serves as an unwavering support throughout specific steps to recovery. Some people don’t relate to the concept of a higher power, which can deter them from 12-step groups. SMART Recovery offers an alternative to the 12-steps. SMART doesn’t focus on a higher power, but is instead a scientific approach based on behavioral change. The SMART Recovery model spread throughout the United States and the UK in the late 1990s and began growing exponentially in the early 2000s. SMART Recovery offers individuals who struggle with addiction a model that looks beyond substance abuse and instead focuses on changing addictive behaviors that cause imbalance in your life. SMART Recovery programs are available around the world for people struggling with addiction, eating disorders, gambling addiction, sex addiction, and other compulsive behaviors. It can help with cross addictions as well. A cross addiction is when you replace one destructive behavior for another. For example, you stop using drugs or alcohol, but you begin gambling compulsively. Today there are over 2,000 SMART Recovery meetings worldwide and this number is growing daily. SMART Recovery offers support through local community meetings; therapeutic programs; and online meetings, chat rooms, and message boards. Their website includes resources like suggestions for a “recovery toolbox” (smartrecovery.org/smart-recovery-toolbox) and recommended books (smartrecovery.org/suggested-reading-list). SMART is based on a four-point system: The SMART Recovery treatment program provides materials that correspond to each of these four points. These materials will help you learn how to manage addictive behaviors and live a more balanced lifestyle. In addition to the four-point system, SMART integrates behavior-centered therapies, including: All these therapies are rooted in the theory that, by challenging the way you think in the present, you can stop destructive behaviors before they start. These are evidence-based practices that have been shown to be h effective in the treatment of addiction, depression, anxiety, and PTSD. A SMART treatment program also integrates tools such as: All these tools assist you in putting your addictive behaviors into perspective. Once you understand that your problematic behavior is causing destruction and negative outcomes, you can reduce or discontinue the behavior. Foundation for SMART Recovery: Stages of Change The SMART Recovery process can be broken down into five stages. People don’t necessarily move through these stages in one smooth progression. You might move up or down many times along the path to recovery. But, in general, this describes a common relationship dynamic with the recovery process: What Can You Expect at a SMART Meeting? SMART is an abstinence-based program, which means you’ll be expected to stop taking drugs or drinking altogether. Meetings have an open format, during which SMART Recovery facilitators encourage people to share their personal experiences and any tools they have found helpful. Meetings often include open discussions, which is different than the highly structured format of the 12-Step program. Discover the Power of Choice SMART Recovery is based on the concept that every person has the Power of Choice. Through tools that teach self-management and behavioral changes, the program empowers you with the choice to abstain from addictive substances or activities. The goal of SMART Recovery is to help you gain independence from your addiction, be it drugs, alcohol, gambling, pornography, etc. The SMART Recovery program can be a great addition to an addiction recovery plan. It can be used together with a 12-step approach (like Alcoholics Anonymous or Narcotics Anonymous) or on its own. SMART Recovery can also be combined with a meditation or mindfulness practice, yoga, martial arts, or any other method or tool that brings balance and harmony into your life. How Can You Get Started with SMART Recovery? SMART Recovery tools can be utilized in both inpatient and outpatient addiction treatment settings. SMART supports the use of medically assisted withdrawal when appropriate and can be integrated into every stage of your recovery. Once you’ve reached enough stability to live independently, SMART can continue to help you during the outpatient recovery stage and even during a relapse. You can build meetings into your aftercare plan. We Can Help If you or a loved one is struggling with addiction, we can help. Our professional addiction specialists will help you find a model of recovery that works for you. We offer both 12-step and SMART Recovery approaches and personalized treatment plans to address your individual needs, beliefs, and preferences. To talk to one of the treatment professionals at Footprints to Recovery, contact us today. References
